Stories of Help • Hope • Healing
My Story about my abortion I was forced to have at 6 months pregnant. I have written this, as if I could write this to my unborn aborted baby boy. This is a different kind of way to tell my story, but it will express my pain in the best and only way I can express it, while explaining what happened.
I am 25 years old, and I had an abortion at 6 months pregnant a little over a week ago. I am in more pain than I have ever experienced, and this is written as if I was writing to my aborted baby.
I think about you all the time
I never met you
But I felt so close to you.
I never even learned if you were a girl or boy
but six months later, I knew you were a boy.
My beautiful baby boy.
I liked to imagine your little hands and feet stretch out in my stomach
My stomach was your home
your only form of life.
I liked to imagine you closing your eyes and drifting to sleep
You liked to kick me, early in the morning
You told me when you were hungry
You made me really tired sometimes
But you made me so happy.
Nobody loved you like I did
Your dad loved you very much too
and we wanted the best life for you
but nobody else loved you
Not his family
and it wasn’t possible for us to support you growing inside me
I was afraid most days that you weren’t okay
I was afraid you were hurting in some way
I wasn’t able to get to a doctor to even see you.
You will be part of me forever.
What I did will haunt me forever
not a day goes by
not an hour goes by
that i don’t feel sadness from losing you.
This was never my choice to kill you.
Your father supported me but it wasn’t enough
we didn’t have the money to go to the doctors
and when my mom found out I was pregnant with you
you were six months along.
She wanted me to kill you.
She told me the only way she would help me financially
is if i killed you.
Your dads father wouldn’t even look at me
And his mother took me to my first appointment to kill you.
The first appointment
And they put in dilators.
I didn’t know what those were
But the pain following them was excruciating.
That night, I got home, and fell into your dads arms and cried and cried
I cried all night.
I was so afraid, because hours after the dilators were put in me, I stopped feeling you move.
I felt alone and scared
I felt like i had no other option and no support.
Your father didn’t know what to do
but he didn’t have a job, or money to help me or you.
For quite some time, we didn’t even have a place to call home.
Both of our families kicked us out
because I was pregnant with you.
The worst day of my life
The most pain I have ever felt
And the most emptiness I have ever felt
was the day you were killed.
Walking into that clinic, I was embarrassed.
I was ashamed.
My dad took me, and as the contractions set in from the dilators, I didn’t care about the
physical pain I was feeling.
I told my dad ” I don’t want to do this”
And he told me it was too late, I had to. He already paid 5000 dollars.
From the waiting room, I was slowly moved into the operating room where they left me to undress.
I waited, in extreme pain
and I held you close to me.
I prayed this moment not to come
I hadn’t prayed to god, I don’t even believe in one
but in that moment I prayed that god would take me with you.
I prayed as the IV got put into my hand that I could go with you.
The world drifted away.
This time I didn’t dream.
Everything was black, and when I woke up, they took an ultrasound of my uterus and you were gone.
My heart sunk and I started to sob.
You were gone.
The nurse put her hand on my shoulder and told me I had to be put back under
there were too many blood clots.
The world was gone again.
This time when I woke up, and got moved into a back room
I felt empty.
The pain over the following days were shocking to me.
The physical pain was like nothing I would have expected.
The pain medications didn’t do much for the cramping.
A hot pad helped a little, but I couldn’t stand up the first day.
The second day, I woke up to my breasts enlarged 10 times what they normally were and I was in extreme pain.
This was something I did not know would happen.
I started lactating, and before milk would drip out, my nipples would feel like tiny needles were stabbing out of them.
The dreams I was having started to get very dark.
I would dream of standing with you on a beach
and a giant wave would come up and pull you into the break
you’d get pushed back out to me, and I’d try to grab you but the current would pull you back.
I started having thoughts I couldn’t control
of holding you, but watching you get torn apart in my arms.
My thoughts became sick.
They still are.
I told my parents I needed help, and they told me I would be fine.
I have no support.
Your father makes me feel comfortable, and safe.
He keeps me here right now.
He’s doing his best, but he is struggling to.
He doesn’t tell me he’s sad, I think because he doesn’t want to put anymore pain on me
but I can see it in his eyes.
We are broken, and struggling through this together.
Sometimes I think of coming to find you
because im so afraid you are lost.
I can’t leave your father here on his own
I have to stay for him.
My heart will be broken forever.
My thoughts aren’t rational anymore
And I just want to find you.
I will never know where you went
And i don’t expect you to ever forgive me or love me
I will never forgive or love myself for killing you
|Hello well I never imagined being pregnant, if you asked me a couple months ago I really didnt have an idea were my life would go. So basically I started dating a man whose already had two young children. With all honesty I never wanted to deal with men that had children for obvious reasons. But I let myself go through this experience keeping a positive mindset. Definitely wouldn’t do it again. But long story short I became pregnant initially I was sad. I never planned for my life to go this way. So much for my Cinderella story. I couldnt help but be sad because of all the babymama drama and his family drama regarding me. I wouldnt dare bring my child in a world where I believe his family would not except him. So instantly I wanted to abort. But I started second guessing myself since my partner was aboad with the ideal of abortion. It hurt because the man that supposedly loved me and wanted me so bad didnt want to keep something we made out of love well on my behalf at least. So I was felt with so much anger I decided to go through with it. It seemed as though my own mother encouraged me to do it as well because of this messy relationship. It hurts to know I will never get that chance to be a mother. Sometimes I hate when he touchs me, hearing my mom voice disgusts me. I hope Im strong enough to get through this. I know it was the right decision until Im able to find myself.|
Never in my wildest dreams did I envision myself there, in the women’s center, under those circumstances. I was told that my “pregnancy tissue” would be removed during a short procedure, and after a time of recovery, I would be on my way.
That one tragic day dramatically altered my life, sending me into a longstanding downward spiral.
Years, later, it took an unexpected encounter with a complete stranger to unearth and bring into the light the part of my life that I had tried so very hard to hide, bury, and forget.
I was an 18-year-old freshman in college when my boyfriend of two years and I suddenly found ourselves faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I did not know where to turn. My parents had just traumatically separated. Feeling shame and fearing rejection, I didn’t confide in any friends. My boyfriend and I had just started college and had no money to support a baby. In panic, we felt the only foreseeable option was abortion.
My abortion occurred on December 17, 1980. That day is forever etched in my mind. I remember being very fearful and anxious. The procedure was painful both physically and emotionally.
My immediate reaction after the procedure was one of relief. The procedure was over. My crisis had passed. I could continue school. No one would know.
However, feelings of guilt, shame, emptiness, and depression came soon after. These feelings were too much to bear, so I stuffed all my painful emotions into a box, tightly shut the lid, walked it down into the dark cellar of my heart, shoved it in a far corner, turned the latch on the door, and threw away the key.
The pressure of keeping the lid on the box was great. Sadly, for the next seven years I found myself immersed in the party scene, using alcohol to dull my pain. But praise God, in October of 1987, Jesus Christ saved my life! A few years after I received Jesus, He began to lead me by the hand to that locked cellar door.
He began to orchestrate experiences that would reveal to me my need for healing.
One such experience occurred while driving home from a Wednesday night Bible study. I drove past a stumbling figure walking in the darkness along the side of the road. I felt a strong urge to go back. It was a woman, noticeably drunk, who agreed she could use a ride home.
When we arrived at her home, she invited me in. For the next two hours, this woman sat in a crumpled heap, sobbing over the death of her 29-year-old son. She also confessed that she had an abortion earlier in life and wondered if her son’s death was God’s punishment for her abortion.
At that moment, the lid to my tightly closed box blew off as the reality of my abortion and the loss of my child became painfully real. The woman and I wept together bitterly.
I later shared my abortion history with my pastor, and his daughter subsequently referred me to an abortion recovery Bible study support group. Through this ministry, God mended my heart piece by piece. The women in my group became “Jesus in the flesh” to me. They loved me, cried tears with me, and offered God’s words of truth and hope.
One of the topics addressed in the final weeks of the Bible study was “Accepting the Loss and Letting Go.” The leaders suggested that we prayerfully name our children. Several days later, I was praying on my bed at night about a topic unrelated to my abortion. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw the image of a beautiful, blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed boy running to me. With bright shining eyes he said, “Mommy, I love you.” Through tearful sobs, I told him I loved him too. As I held him, I asked, “Do you forgive me?” He said, “Of course I do, Mommy. I love you. I’ll see you in heaven.”
Immediately, the name “Stephen” dropped into my heart, along with immense comfort and peace. I asked God to confirm his name. Over the next few weeks, He did!
The first confirmation came when I was in a post office standing in line behind a woman holding her beautiful blue-eyed baby boy. I felt the nudging of God to ask the woman her baby’s name. She replied, “Stephen.”
Everyone had left the church except for myself and a woman nursing her baby. I felt the nudge of God to ask the mother for her baby’s name. She replied, “Stephen.”
The third confirmation came when I was sitting alone at a park. I was watching a father strolling hand in hand through sun-drenched grass with his young curly-haired son. As they turned to walk past me, I again felt God say, “Ask him his son’s name.” The man replied, “Stephen.”
I was amazed! God not only confirmed Steven’s name; He also confirmed time and time again that He really cared about me and was divinely orchestrating every moment of my healing!
It was at that moment, while holding hands in a circle around our newly planted tree, I realized that the box that had been hidden in the cellar of my heart for ten years was now standing open in the light of day. It was empty! My heart had been mended and given wings to fly!
Within a few short years, God brought another Steven into my life, who later became my husband. We are blessed with two amazing sons, who love God with all of their hearts. God, in His amazing grace, has completely healed and restored me.
I share this story to honor the life of my precious son, Stephen, whom I’ll see one day in heaven; in the hopes of powerfully discouraging others from ever making the tragic choice I made; and to give honor and glory to God who saved me, and brought me to wholeness.
To those hurting after abortion — you are not alone. God can bring hope and healing to your heart, so that you too will know, “If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!” Sue
“I, myself, have received help, healing and hope after I had an abortion. My story starts with a family broken by divorce, then sexual abuse by a family member and later, by several adult men. My mother remarried a man who was a drug addict. I did not understand boundaries or healthy relationships and these things led to my promiscuity as a young teenager.
I was 15 years old when I got pregnant by my boyfriend. For a while, I thought we would get married and be a family and I secretly prayed for that, but didn’t really even know who God was. I did not know it at the time but he was an alcoholic. When his mother found out, she pressured me to get an abortion saying. ‘I was too young to be a mom’. He continued to drink and cheated on me. How could the person who was supposed to love me, hurt me so badly? My heart was reeling with lies whispered by the deceiver, so I made an appointment with an abortion clinic thinking it would “take care of my problem”. Once there, I should have ran out but instead I walked into the exam room where they inserted a cervical dilator and said to come back the next day. I was so distraught, what had I done? How did I get here?? I went home and told my mom that I was getting an abortion. My mother told me not to do it. I started crying and called my Obstetrician to ask about the cervical dilator? She told me that the odds were now extremely high that I would miscarry because of the dilator. Through my tears, I told my mom that I felt I had no choice but to do it. She told me to not come back home if I did, so I left. My boyfriend who was supposed to ‘be there for me’ went out and got drunk again, so a friend took me back. It all seemed like a bad dream, but unfortunately, it was all too real. At the clinic, it so was cold and austere—I started crying again. I really did not want to do it. I just wanted someone to tell me I would be okay and the baby would be okay. That I could handle this…my mom had done that, but again the lies were swirling around in my head. The nurse told me to put a gown on and to lay on the exam table. The two things I will never forget about the abortion:
1. The extremely sharp pains I felt as my baby was dismembered and his life taken from me —I cried and told them to stop but they wouldn’t.
2. The horrible sucking noise of the vacuum machine.
Eventually, I stumbled out to the waiting room. The staff quickly grabbed me and told me sternly to go to the back of the clinic to get picked up! I was dazed and in pain and left with an antibiotic in my hand and my heart broken. I was completely drained —emotionally and physically and later on I realized, spiritually, too. Because I was still in the dark, a friend later took me to Planned Parenthood for birth control pills. They gave me a year’s worth of pills (without disclosing the risks of the pill or how being abstinent could have really helped me). I drank alcohol and did drugs to numb myself out. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, but I knew deep down, it was not okay—I was not okay. Physically, I worried if I would ever be able to have children? Emotionally, I felt such guilt and regret. Spiritually, I felt so ashamed that I thought God would never forgive me.
At 19, I became pregnant again and although the father was an abusive alcoholic, I decided to raise the baby. I was determined to never have another abortion—not ever again. And while being a young single mother was not easy, I knew I had made the right decision this time—one I would never regret!
My journey to healing began about 20 years ago. I had met a young man and we fell in love. I prayed to God that this man would become my husband. God answered that prayer! My future husband and I started going to church, where he accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, got baptized and then we got married in the church! He is a great dad to my baby girl (whose now an adult and married with a child of her own)! We have been blessed with two additional beautiful children! As our faith journey has progressed, I have received healing and hope through Bible study, prayer and attending an abortion recovery retreat. I was able to honor the memory of my son and receive true forgiveness and healing from the Lord! My favorite verse is Philippians 4:13Open in Logos Bible Software (if available), “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” If abortion is in your past, the same love and forgiveness found in Jesus Christ is available to you! Don’t wait another minute believing the lies! H3Helpline is ready and able to help you with.”
“I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. It was the only choice given to me at the time. Afterwards, I shoved it down and locked it away. It wasn’t until after I attended the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat that I realized how much healing I needed. I’m so glad I went! It changed my life forever! After my retreat I felt called to this ministry. I trained for and began leading Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats in Texas. Shortly after that, I moved to Germany and started a Rachel’s Vineyard Site for the military and English-speaking people. There are plans to extend the retreats into military communities in Korea and possibly Japan as well. It’s amazing what God can do with a broken, messed-up life if we only surrender it to Him.”
“I was in college and became pregnant. My boyfriend didn’t want to have the baby and I didn’t want the shame of being pregnant and not married. I kept my secret for over 18 years. Finally while in a church service , I surrendered my secret to God. The healing journey began. I went to an abortion recovery program that helped in my healing tremendously. I’m glad I told my secret”
I went to the retreat this past weekend, and oh my Lord. It was an amazing experience, but that isn’t what I wanted to thank you for. The night I called the abortion recovery helpline was the darkest place I’d been since my abortion. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I certainly was the closest I have ever been to actually thinking about it, if that makes sense. I just didn’t think that anyone could possibly understand the torment and pain I had caused myself and that people would ridicule me when I said I was hurting so badly. You opened my eyes and my heart to Jesus again, someone I had long since abandoned because I thought he wouldn’t love a murderer. You showed me light and love when I needed it the most, and the words in this email will never, ever begin to truly thank you for saving my life .
I thought Planned Parenthood had the right plan, but they did not give me the full story. I had always heard the “blob of tissue” argument, but before I was scheduled I reached out to H3Helpline and was directed to a clinic that showed me the truth about the baby that was growing inside of me. Thank you H3Helpline my daughter is now six months old and absolutely adorable!
My girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion against my will. I mean I understand it is her body and all, but the child was a part of me too. Thanks to H3Helpline I found an abortion recovery helpline and called. I needed to deal with my anger and depression.
“This retreat for me was surprisingly needed. I came to support my wife and left feeling blessed and delivered. I found out that God wanted me to heal from the same trauma that my wife experienced. Before Rachel’s Vineyard, we only discussed this issue briefly. While at the retreat I learned she had lost two children to abortions and so did I. We were able to deal with everything together. God is Powerful!”
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