Abortion Stories of Help • Hope • Healing
Both having an abortion and dealing with the after effects of abortion can bring on a flood of different emotions. It’s important to know you aren’t alone. Read real abortion stories from our clients here.
I found out I was pregnant at 19. My boyfriend wasn’t too pleased about the news. Were both young and don’t have our life together so he didn’t think this was the right time. Him and his family both wanted me to get an abortion. At first My mind was not opened to it at all but I felt like he constantly kept guilt tripping me into doing it so I just did it thinking all my problems will go away. He would tell me its my choice and he will support it but wouldn’t stop talking about abortions regardless how I felt until I actually got one. I hated the throwing up part and he would tell me over and over how I will be going through this my whole pregnancy. Long story short he just kept expressing how “his life was over, he can’t do what he wants to do in life, I’m not thinking right, getting an abortion was the best option etc” it made me feel really shitty for getting pregnant in the first place. I never regretted something so much in my life. I wish I can go back to the moment I was in the clinic so I can just walk out and never look back. I never hated myself so much, I feel so empty and sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live or deserve anything good in life. I feel so alone and all I want is to have that little life back inside of me. I try to watch shows like teen mom to make me feel better about it but all it shows me is every reason I should’ve just kept the baby. I feel like god put me to the biggest test of trusting him and I failed. I had such a supportive family I knew deep down the baby would’ve had a great life. As a result in this I feel so empty, feel a type of way towards my boyfriend and I just regret everything. If your pregnant and considering abortion, please re consider!! it isn’t the best thing its actually the worst.
I actually was sexually assaulted by my ex when he took advantage of me when I was incapable of giving him an answer. About 3-4 weeks later I found out I was pregnant. I was so happy and excited to be a mother. I went to the store and bought prenatal vitamins. I also set up my first prenatal appointment. I even started a baby registry. I then told my ex, the sperm donor, that he had gotten me pregnant because I thought he should know. But after the initial shock wore off, he freaked out saying I NEEDED to get an abortion, that he couldn’t “do this”, and even said I wasn’t ready to be a mother. I begged him to reconsider but he didn’t lead up. Mind you we lived together. He pressured me to abort for 2-3 days for hours. He only lead up after I agreed to the abortion. On the day of the abortion, he was in the car waiting for the appointment to finish. I had 3 opportunities to walk out and say “no I don’t want this”. I didn’t because he broke me down mentally. After the appointment was over (I had a medical abortion), my ex drove both of us to a catholic church (I’m not religious in any way) and he went in and “prayed to god so god would forgive me.” The next day, I had to work all day (9 am-9 pm) and the end of my shift, around 8:30 pm, I felt the urge to use the bathroom, before I took the second medication, and started bleeding heavily. I then went home and took the second set of pills. When the rest of the abortion set in, he basically left me alone writhing in pain, only checking on me periodically. After the majority of the abortion was over, I just couldn’t deal with being with him anymore and dumped him. I grieved for a while and now I feel like I don’t deserve another chance at motherhood because I could have saved her.
At the time,it seemed abortion was the only option…and even if i do struggle financially and with my health,i regret that i took the opportunity for those babies to grow up and be happy.
God knows how much i have cried with each abortion..and they were never decisions i made lightly…i spent sleepless nights..and a lot of tears!
Just recently i found out my last husband passed away,and all i keep thinking about is,i wish i had kept our baby,so i would have a part of him living near me always.
My ex husband was a druggie…he would hit me,spit on me,choke me,kick me..he was awful….and he abandoned me one day out of nowhere,he went to work and left me alone..pregnant…homeless.
My fairy tale and happily ever after,was just in my head…none of the things i wanted i ever had with this man.
What made me have an abortion..was him threating me to take the baby away from me..his family does have money,and he would use the fact that my first husband had custody of my oldest two and would say ,when u have the baby i will take him from you.
I was very scared to go through that trauma again….
his family was also advising me to not keept it,because his mother and sibling were all doing heavy drugs and more likely my kids would have grown with dependecy isuess,.
I am not doctor or expert…but i was afraid….and i decided to not keep the baby.
I remember the day i went in for the procedure…i fell asleep with tears….and when i woke up,i felt empty….the thought of i left my baby here in this place,when i should have taken cared of him…that haunted me for years.
I am sad….i still wonder how he would look like….and i hope he can forgive me !
I hope my ex is free from what evil was tormenting him..and i hope him and charlie (the baby),are holding each other’s tight.
My advice to women who think this is the only way out…i promise you,it is not.
i know your body is your choice…but i also know the regret and pain you will feel,is forever.
I’m not the greatest writer, however, I hope this makes sense and is helpful to others.
I was 18 and found myself pregnant with the first boyfriend I ever had that I had had relations with. In 1968 you couldn’t get a legal abortion in the states so I had to leave the country. I was able to find a doctor in Mexico. I didn’t know if he was a doctor, but I didn’t have a choice. So I flew from Las Angles to Mexico City with only a phone number. The instructions were , when I got to the airport in Mexico City I was to call the number and I would be given future instructions.
I was told to go to a hotel somewhere in Mexico City, register, get a room and I would to contacted. I was too nervous to eat, I just tried to sleep. About 3:30 in the morning I got a phone call, I was told to checkout and wait in front of the hotel. Someone would pick me up. I waited for almost 2 hours, until a man driving an old sedan, told me to get in the car. I really didn’t know what to do. I was scared to get in his car but also scared to be standing on the street in the middle of the night by myself. I knew I didn’t have a choice. I was told to sit in the front. He drove for a time until he picked up another girl and another and another until the car was full. No one spoke, we drove for over an hour , then he pulled to the the side of the road, leaned over me to open the glove box and pulled out a liquor bottle…. Drank from it. We were all scared and that doesn’t begin to cover how stressed we all were. He then pulled up to a phone booth got out and made a call. Somewhere along the way we were told that we were going to Cuernavaca, which I learned latter was about an hour out of Mexico City. . We drove a while longer until we came up to a huge wall with a sliding gate. You could’nt see through it. He honked the horn and shortly after it began to open. He proceeded through and the gate closed behind us. Once in, we drove for a short while and came up to a huge house. There were many girls already there. Beds all over the place. Some empty, some with girls that appeared to be sleeping some with girls that were waiting. I guess there were about 50 girls there. We were told to proceed to a small room where we were to pay, then told to to your assigned bed and wait….,someone would call us. I assumed that meant we would be called for the abortion.
I was so scared and got more scared as the time went by. It took so long that I felt like I must have been the last one taken. I waited the rest of that day and into the night. It was around 4:30 in the morning before they called me. I was terrified by then but all I could think about was I might die and know one knew where I was. If I died they would most likely throw me away. Know one would ever know what happened to me. Actually I didn’t care at that point, I just wanted to be knocked out so I didn’t know what was happening.
I walked into the operating room and was told to lay down. I wasn’t sure I could walk at all, I was shaking so badly. They proceeded to try to knock me out by trying to put a needle in my vein. They injected the needle at my wrist. I was so scared my blood must have been pumping through my body so much that it seemed like the blood was pushing the needle out and they were pushing it in. I was terrified!, and I just didn’t want them to start until I was completely out. They told me to count backwards… so I thought if they could hear me counting they wouldn’t start. I began counting 10,9,8,7,6 as loud as I could. I didn’t want to feel anything else, I didn’t want to know what was happening to me.
When I woke I was in the bed they had given me, laying in a pool of blood. I was told to clean myself up and get dressed. It took me a while but I did.
I was taken back to the hotel in Mexico City. I got a room an slept for what seemed like a very long time.
I lied to my family about where I was going and doing. I spent another 2 days there in the hotel. Then took a plane on to home. I made up some story. I never told my family what I’d been through. My boyfriend move across the country to be with me but I couldn’t be with him. I felt so guilty. Not about the abortion. He had changed his whole life . I didn’t understand it at the time but I couldn’t be with him. My family didn’t understand , he didn’t nor did I. It took me years to even begin to understand what I was feeling at the time. I knew I couldn’t have this child.
I tried several times to connect with him. In my heart I loved him but it didn’t matter. I think to this day he never understood. I blamed him and myself.
So many feelings and emotions. Even if I had been older I wouldn’t have understood.
I knew there is so much more to bringing a child into this world than just giving birth. It is clear to me most people that are against abortion don’t think about the reality of all that is involved other than the act of giving birth , what it really means. They focus on birth and drop it there. They don’t think or care about the needs of a child, the love, the time, the nurturing.
The Security, kids must feel safe & sound, with their basic needs met: shelter, food, clothing, medical care and protection from harm. Kids must feel safe and sound, with their basic survival needs met.
The Stability: Stability comes from a family and community, Ideally, a family remains together in a stable household, but when that’s not possible, it’s important to not disrupt the child’s life as little as possible. Kids and families should be a part of larger units to give them a sense of belonging, tradition.
The Consistency: No “good cop, bad cop.” Parents should synchronize their parenting and make sure important values stay consistent.
The Emotional support: Parents’ words and actions should encourage kids’ trust, respect, self-esteem and, ultimately, independence.
The Love: Saying and showing you love your kids can overcome almost any parenting “mistakes” you might make. Even when your kids have disobeyed, angered, frustrated and rebelled against you, show them you love them and that you’ll always love them.
The Education: Make sure your kids get the best possible education for their future. This includes school, of course, but it also includes the invaluable life lessons you provide during the time you spend together.
Granted there may be times when some may be missing but when you have a clear choice.
The decision MUST be in the hands of the one that will bare that child and be there for that child NOT by anyone else and certainly not by government.
My girlfriend and I had an abortion. Never saw her or talked to her for 50 yrs. I carried this weight in my heart and soul as she did. Took me along time to find her. After 47 years of trying to locate her I did in August 2021. We connected by phone. We live in different states. Only through divine intervention were we able walk hand in hand, as parents of our unborn child into God’s house and pray for forgiveness. This is my story about guilt, sorrow, forgiveness, unconditional love, hope, never giving up in finding somebody and Divine intervention that is nothing short of a miracle in connecting us after 50 years. It’s a testament of how abortion, even after 50 years, can have a lasting effect.
I found out i was 8 weeks pregnant at the age of 20 young and confused little girl i was going through a terrible patch with my current boyfriend because i found out i was pregnant by my (first love )my ex boyfriend for the past 5 years we were friends and me and my current boyfriend was on a break i got in contact with my ex boyfriend he was there for me when i needed him the most !!! anyways i got back with my current boyfriend the day i just found out i was 8 weeks pregnant me and ex wanted kids when we was kids but we really never talked about being together as family cause we was already family in each other eyes // i was receiving signs that i was pregnant but never believed it i never sat down with my self about having my child because i am selfish and ungrateful i ended up getting a abortion with sitting back thinking this was the best thing to happen to me i thought if i had the abortion i could go back to being me but it was a lie ive been broken ever since not to mention my ex boyfriend passed two days after i took his last seed and i sit back here it is 6 months later and i still owe my baby my all because i been living in hell ever since i took m y precious life AWAY think about the choices just because you feel the need that your life isnt ready for a baby doesnt mean you take it awY ITS A CHANCE TO CHANGE IT AND MAKE YOUR PURPOSE .
I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant. A week before my 19th birthday. I immediately booked a medical abortion at 6 weeks but when the day came I walked out the clinic because I didn’t want to do it. Weeks passed and I was still unsure about what to do; I was facing two options neither of which I wanted. Option 1: keep the baby of my drug dealer boyfriend and raise it myself because lets be real, there’s always a risk he will go to jail. Or option 2: have an abortion even though I was always adamant growing up that I was pro-life. I made the mistake of telling my mother who talked me into an abortion, she called me one time asking, ‘have I done it yet?’ Time was running out and I felt under pressure. In a perfect world, I would have kept my baby, moved to a different country and set up a business to provide for me and my baby. I even bought lottery tickets for the first time in my life, hoping that I would win and be able to live my dream. Sounds silly now but at the time I was desperate. My reality was in fact that I was in my first year of uni, with a guy I wasn’t sure I wanted a future with, coupled with an indecisive and overactive mind, life soon became hell. When I was 12 weeks pregnant I booked an appointment with a midwife and spoke for an hour on the phone, where she later booked me in for my first scan. About 2 weeks after that me and my boyfriend had an argument, and I decided that I now wanted an abortion. And that’s what I did. I was 14 or 15 weeks pregnant at the time. I am not going to talk about the day of the termination as I dont remember much about it other than feeling surprisingly fine with what had just happened. I continued to feel this way for about a month following the termination.I even remember telling my boyfriend that I feel like nothing has happened and that I was never pregnant in the first place. Looking back now, I realise that what I was actually experiencing was numbness and denial. A month later, almost overnight, something switched in me and I suddenly felt like I had been hit by a bus (emotionally speaking.) Out of nowhere my feelings were turned on and I felt a massive wave of sadness, anger and regret. Those days were the darkest. I remember crying everyday, multiple times a day, even in public, I couldn’t control my emotions anymore. During this time, I contemplated suicide and even wrote the start of a letter to my sister explaining why I was doing this. I let time pass and even though I didn’t believe time could heal this wound, I am so thankful I gave it a chance because now, 6 months later, I am able to find happiness in my days again and am grateful for my life. I started practising yoga which I absolutely love because it gives my mind a break and has allowed me to develop a better connection to myself. Due to my depressive episode, I ended up dropping out of uni because I fell behind in assignments. I think its ironic how one of the many factors of my abortion was that if I had the baby I couldn’t finish uni, and then I had an abortion instead which left such a wound on my heart that I was unable to attend classes and function normally. I got a job modelling and am earning decent money. I am in a much better place mentally and emotionally, so I hope anyone who is suffering from suicidal thoughts reads this and remembers that it is just a phase or chapter in your life that will be over soon. I am planning on moving to Spain before I turn 20, where I will continue modelling and hopefully set up my own business later this year. I wouldn’t say that I am fully healed but I am definitely healing and that’s good enough for me. I want to give a big virtual hug to anyone going through a similar situation, first of all I want to say sorry for what you had to go through and secondly I am here to tell you that it is going to be okay. I promise. You are strong, and you will overcome this chapter of your life because a new chapter of happiness and hope is waiting for you.
This happened 2 times back to back. I was dating my girlfriend and I did not love her. She realized this but loved me enough to keep trying. I have regretted the decision to have, not one, but two abortions. If you can believe this, we got married and have two children together. I have thought about this very often, and probably is why I am depressed and alcoholic. I know that GOD has forgiven me, but I don’t know that I can ever forgive myself.
The year was 1981. My youngest was 4 months old when my mother’s unexpected death put me in a complete tailspin I developed a hyper thyroid, which can follow a traumatic experience. I cried at the drop of a hat. I lost a lot of weight, and my eyes bugged out of their sockets, making me look as crazed as I felt. When I finally searched for answers I was given 2 choices. Swallowing radioactive iodine would burn out the thyroid but meant that I could no longer nurse my infant. The second choice was surgery to remove all but a small piece of the thyroid. I opted for surgery.
Pre-surgery tests included a chest x-ray where a sign read “if you think you could be pregnant tell your doctor”. I was nursing my infant and using a spermicide and had no reason to believe I was pregnant but I refused the test, erring on the side of caution. The surgeon however demanded that I go back down and have the x-ray before he would operate. When I later asked him why he didn’t confirm that I was not pregnant he said that most of his patients were elderly so it didn’t occur to him.
Recovering from surgery I was very ill; throwing up and nauseous. The surgeon said it was natural, but it didn’t stop. I finally went to my PC and he asked me if I could be pregnant. I told him the same thing I had told the surgeon: that I was nursing my youngest and taking precautions and didn’t think that I was. A pregnancy test proved otherwise.
I was paralyzed with fear, wondering if the x-ray could have damaged my fetus. I called my obstetrician, who told me he’d be more worried about the anesthesia but that since I was very early in the pregnancy and I could adopt a ‘wait and see’ approach. He said that he knew of a similar case where the fetus had spontaneously aborted… something I could live with… and if it did not, he would monitor me closely. I was 36, which at that time was considered high risk.
When I told my husband what my plan was he called the surgeon, who told him not to allow me to continue the pregnancy. He said his wife had had an abortion and “there was nothing to it” and that our baby “could be a monster.” My husband’s mind was made up. When I argued against having an abortion and begged him to consider what I and my OB had discussed he was adamant. He was from South America, and if I refused an abortion he would take our baby girl to Columbia where I would never see her again. Devastated does not adequately describe how I felt. I could not stop crying.
My husband promised me that we could have another baby if I “got rid of” this one. That gave me no comfort at all, as I would never purposely choose to have another child with this man after being given such an ultimatum. He drove me to the abortion clinic and dropped me off. There were several girls waiting ahead of me: some making terrible ‘jokes’ about condoms breaking, rabbits dying etc. but all I could do was cry as silently as I could manage. Witnessing my grief, the girl who had signed me in called me over and asked me if she could help. I told her that I was given no choice but to have this procedure and that every minute I waited in that room listening to those girls joke about abortion was agony. She moved me to the top of the list..
I’m not sure what happened next. I remember being on the table with my legs in stirrups and seeing nothing but white but being able to hear the doctor yell at the nurse: “why wasn’t I told she was a thyroid patient” and “start an IV” and “call her husband”, till finally my vitals were stable, my eyesight returned, I was able to speak, and they transferred me to a bed. They had missed the vein when inserting the IV and my arm from my hand to my elbow was swelling with fluid. I kept begging for someone to take the IV out and to call my husband but he was not answering the phone. It was late afternoon before he picked me up and everyone was upset that they were running behind and working late as they could not free up the table until I was stable and then I took up a bed waiting for my husband.
Once home, my husband expected that everything would now return to normal, but it was far from it. I couldn’t bear to look at him. I dreamed that I heard a baby crying but our daughter slept soundly as I searched the house for the crying baby that I knew was not there but felt compelled to look for. I fell into a deep depression and suffered crippling anxiety, but I was trapped. The threat of my husband taking our child to a foreign country and never seeing her again still hovered over my head. Again I felt I had no choice.
My marriage finally ended when my husband had an affair with my then-best -friend and we were divorced. Our daughter had come home from first grade and at the dinner table recited our first and last names, her full address, and even her phone number. I Looked at my husband and he read my mind. His threat to take her to Columbia was no longer viable. She could find me. I finally had a choice
Our daughter is still very close to her father and his family still blames me for the divorce. His sister asked me why I had choosen to “break up my family” by divorcing her brother. I had never spoken of the abortion but I did tell her about her brother’s affair to which she replied, “well what did you expect, he is Columbian. It’s common for the men to have a wife and a mistress.”
Although he remarried, his new wife couldn’t have children. In spite of him saying that we could have another baby he had secretly had a vasectomy. I’ve often wondered if that is where he was when the clinic could not reach him to pick me up after the abortion.
To this day, 40 years later, I still cry whenever I think of the baby that might have been, but at last, I have told my story.
That’s how far along I was. My baby was the size of a blueberry at this point. The day I went to the clinic, I tried to turn off my emotions. My boyfriend (the baby’s father) and his mom took me there. When the nurse called me back, she did a vaginal ultrasound. I didn’t even get to see the picture it produced. Afterwards, the doctor showed me a video of how the abortion pills worked. She had me take the first one in the clinic and sent me on my way with the other four pills that would cause me to have a period, anti-nausea pills, and ibuprofen 800. Walking out to my boyfriend’s mom she asked “well how’d it go??”, I plastered a fake smile on my face and said “All done, I just have to take these pills at home!”.
I cried in my boyfriends shirt the whole 2 hour drive home.
By the time they dropped me off at my house, I had to take the other four pills. I debated not taking them for so long, but I did.
The pain was instantaneous.
It was the worst period I’ve ever had, and I guess that’s because the pills were killing the living being inside of me… and it was killing a part of my soul. The worst part though? I called my boyfriend’s mom since I was in so much pain and she said a warm bath would help. But the water turned red. The nurses at the clinic tell you that the blood clots would be no bigger than a lemon. Somehow it seemed they were bigger. It was in that damned bath tub that I knew my baby came out of my body, in one of those damned blood clots.
I was only 17.
I never got to see my baby. Never got to hold him or her. And I was alone in the house, when my baby died. I did that shit alone.
It was a month that I cried myself to sleep every night.
It’s been a year now since my abortion, my anxiety has gotten progressively worse, most days I feel like my body’s just on autopilot. Responding to people with the right words, smiling when appropriate, avoiding conflicts.
But night time is still my least favorite part of everyday. Since my abortion, I’ve become a smoker, I drink, I get high. Because it takes the pain away, if only for a little while. When I’m alone at night and I’m sober, it’s like my mind breaks down. I can only scream silently, so I don’t wake my family.
I know that a part of me died with my child. And she’s never coming back.
I am 24 years old living in Virginia. I had a medical abortion a little over a year ago on December 20th, 2019.
I found out I was pregnant at 8 weeks along. It was a Sunday and I had my abortion that Friday. I was caught off guard but knew immediately I would not be going through with the pregnancy. My boyfriend and I have been together 7 years and while we do see kids in our future, we weren’t ready then and still aren’t ready now. (I’m sharing these details only for context. No-one should feel they have to build a case to defend their abortion, EVER) The clinic I chose was independent – it was clean, equipment up to date, and the staff/doctors were kind and more than willing to answer any questions I had. My first visit, was Wednesday which consisted of a consultation and an ultra-sound to see how far I was (trans-vaginal ultra sound may I mention, which is absolutely unnecessary but I guess is part of Virginia’s state law). They then made me wait 24hrs (another bullshit state law, just one of the various hoops to jump through to receive appropriate healthcare) to come back to receive 2 sets of pills for my medical abortion. I took my first set of pills there, then was sent home to take the second set and rest. That night, everything went smooth, I woke up no longer pregnant, and went to work that day even. I was so relieved. After a couple weeks of grief/ups and downs which were expected, I began to feel a shift happen in me. I started to educate myself on the issue of abortion through online articles, podcasts, and anything I could get my hands on. I was ravenous for information. At the same time I felt more like myself than ever – I started to feel more in touch with myself, my body, my femininity, my autonomy. My abortion was a gift – I am not quite sure how else to explain it other than a spiritual awakening. I have started to harness my identity and have started to explore how strong I really am. I am still carving my own path in life and feel empowered. If anyone can identify with this at all please reply back or post. I am curious to hear if anyone else’s abortion has sparked any sort of awakening within themselves. Anyone else feel more empowered to step into their identity and get angry about the stigma that still surrounds abortion? It sucks to feel silenced, like you are holding in a secret and can only share with a few individuals. I writing here as a commitment to myself that I will start to speak up about my own abortion as an effort to break this stigma.
I think “story-telling” is a powerful movement and I am grateful to be a part of it. It was with out a doubt the sole resource I went to for healing and community. I believe everything happens for a reason. While it is intimidating for me to speak up, maybe I am strong enough to use my voice as a tool to educate/empower others. Whoever is reading this, you might be too. Let’s end the stigma. I love you!
I should have walked out and never looked back. Faced the results of my decisions like an adult and prayed for Gods strength to provide and care for what would be my 4th child. But all I could think about was everything that was already going on. I already had 3 kids, me and my boyfriend were going through it,, we weren’t getting along, there was no trust, I was the only one with steady income, oh and we were awaiting the results of a paternity test for a child he allegedly fathered on one of our “breaks”…my life was a mess..all these things I felt were justifiable reasons to abort my child. Oh and the criticism…having another baby out of wedlock with a man that wasn’t even ready for the first child we had let alone another….i was embarrassed that I’d let this happen. The flip side I REALLY wanted this baby, deep down. but I was ashamed to even admit that…I was already struggling with 3 but I didn’t want to terminate..but even more so I didn’t want to face Other ppls judgement . It was outside noise that pushed me to make the decision. Whatever issues I had, I realize now, in hindsight, we’re totally doable, not EASY, but could have been done. I cried the entire time..i even told the nurses to wait right when they were giving me a shot that I wasn’t even expecting to get.they Said It was to stop the growth of the fetus. I Thought it was just a pill that would allow me to pass the baby Privately at home I knew. I thing about a shot. I chose the pill method because I couldnt bare the sound of that vacuum sucking my baby out of me while I’m screaming and crying out in pain. It Would have been Just a shameful reminder of the first time I did it in 2011 & swore I’d never do anything like that again. But there I was…7 years later. I called my “best friend” who was my biggest critic and person to put me to shame, but for some reason I needed her stamp of approval to walk out…I called her as I sent the nurse out the room needle in hand, and I told her I was scared and didn’t know if I could do this…deep in my soul I needed and wanted her to say “don’t do it”. But she didn’t…She only reminded me why I felt I should be there in the first place…so I went forward With it smh stupid It’s an indescribable eerie feeling afterward. You think you will feel relief and like your problem is solved but that’s not what I felt…it was was a long night for me but within 36 hours I felt my baby slip out….I saw everything. I was amazed at just 10 weeks how much is formed…this was my child…why did I do this? Was my initial thought. I bled like a regular period for the next 5 days…I had stomach pains, anxiety through the roof, and I was so so sad. I tried working out everyday to keep me busy outside of work but it was eating me alive. 4 months went by and my friend gave birth to her baby girl…it got worse….I felt this overwhelming feeling of guilt and resentment in a way toward my friend although it was my decision but I resented her for having a baby and convincing me to get rid of mine. I hated everything. With 5 months of me getting the abortion I ended up on antidepressants and medication for hypertension…it took my body over. I also now have symptoms of PCOS my hair started falling out, I gained about 30 pounds, my period are irregular…I jacked my body up. I’m still with my boyfriend too smh I wish I hadnt done it. Now, 3 years later I want a baby and I’m not sure if God will even bless my womb again with the privilege of baring another child. PCOS is the main cause of infertility in women…I know I did that to myself. I think about him all the time…idk why I feel like it was a boy…I just wish I could do it all again, I’d do it different. I’ve asked God for so much forgiveness the guilt is so heavy…but I know he forgives me. I hope I am able to conceive again.
I accidentally got pregnant to my best friend. When I found out I was in so much shock, I was told I couldn’t get pregnant because of thyroid issues. I wasn’t young – I’m 31 with a nursing degree. What hurt the most was the fact when I told my best friend I was pregnant, his reaction was to abort straight away. I thought he would at least say that he would support me no matter what the outcome was going to be…..I was wrong. Its only been a few months since the abortion and I’m still so angry at him. He was away at the time I found I was pregnant, just started a new job in a new town a 3hr flight away. He said that he didn’t want kids right now and that if I went ahead with it he would resent me because he would feel obligated to be part of the kids life and that he was scared of losing our friendship. He’s my best friend – I would do anything for him. I didn’t tell my family. I was scared of judgement and to make things worse, I got the abortion 2wks before my married sister went into labour with my niece. Its been 3 months since I had the abortion and I cry everyday. I had a medical abortion which is possibly the most painful thing I have ever gone through. I ended up in the emergency department with severe pain and vomiting – my house mate had to drive me there and I didn’t even tell him what was happening, I just said it was bad period pain. I’m so angry I had to go through everything on my own – the doctors appointments, seeing the ultra sound with the little embryo beating away. Then I killed it. I feel so much guilt and honestly wish I had thought about it more before going ahead with it. My family have no idea what I have been through- only 3 people know about the abortion. Honestly some nights I just want to die – I never imagined I would ever feel this way. I hate myself so much. I barely eat and exercise everyday – I’ve lost a significant amount of weight and started to self harm and drink excessively each night. I’ve started seeing a psychologist and I’m on medication for depression, but I still regret my decision and now I have to live with it for the rest of my life. I feel like I’m such an awful person. I wish I never got myself into this situation. Its going to take a while to recover from this, but I’m hoping with support that I’ll get through it. 2020
My Story about my abortion I was forced to have at 6 months pregnant. I have written this, as if I could write this to my unborn aborted baby boy. This is a different kind of way to tell my story, but it will express my pain in the best and only way I can express it, while explaining what happened.
I am 25 years old, and I had an abortion at 6 months pregnant a little over a week ago. I am in more pain than I have ever experienced, and this is written as if I was writing to my aborted baby.
I think about you all the time
I never met you
But I felt so close to you.
I never even learned if you were a girl or boy
but six months later, I knew you were a boy.
My beautiful baby boy.
I liked to imagine your little hands and feet stretch out in my stomach
My stomach was your home
your only form of life.
I liked to imagine you closing your eyes and drifting to sleep
You liked to kick me, early in the morning
You told me when you were hungry
You made me really tired sometimes
But you made me so happy.
Nobody loved you like I did
Your dad loved you very much too
and we wanted the best life for you
but nobody else loved you
Not his family
and it wasn’t possible for us to support you growing inside me
I was afraid most days that you weren’t okay
I was afraid you were hurting in some way
I wasn’t able to get to a doctor to even see you.
You will be part of me forever.
What I did will haunt me forever
not a day goes by
not an hour goes by
that i don’t feel sadness from losing you.
This was never my choice to kill you.
Your father supported me but it wasn’t enough
we didn’t have the money to go to the doctors
and when my mom found out I was pregnant with you
you were six months along.
She wanted me to kill you.
She told me the only way she would help me financially
is if i killed you.
Your dads father wouldn’t even look at me
And his mother took me to my first appointment to kill you.
The first appointment
And they put in dilators.
I didn’t know what those were
But the pain following them was excruciating.
That night, I got home, and fell into your dads arms and cried and cried
I cried all night.
I was so afraid, because hours after the dilators were put in me, I stopped feeling you move.
I felt alone and scared
I felt like i had no other option and no support.
Your father didn’t know what to do
but he didn’t have a job, or money to help me or you.
For quite some time, we didn’t even have a place to call home.
Both of our families kicked us out
because I was pregnant with you.
The worst day of my life
The most pain I have ever felt
And the most emptiness I have ever felt
was the day you were killed.
Walking into that clinic, I was embarrassed.
I was ashamed.
My dad took me, and as the contractions set in from the dilators, I didn’t care about the
physical pain I was feeling.
I told my dad ” I don’t want to do this”
And he told me it was too late, I had to. He already paid 5000 dollars.
From the waiting room, I was slowly moved into the operating room where they left me to undress.
I waited, in extreme pain
and I held you close to me.
I prayed this moment not to come
I hadn’t prayed to god, I don’t even believe in one
but in that moment I prayed that god would take me with you.
I prayed as the IV got put into my hand that I could go with you.
The world drifted away.
This time I didn’t dream.
Everything was black, and when I woke up, they took an ultrasound of my uterus and you were gone.
My heart sunk and I started to sob.
You were gone.
The nurse put her hand on my shoulder and told me I had to be put back under
there were too many blood clots.
The world was gone again.
This time when I woke up, and got moved into a back room
I felt empty.
The pain over the following days were shocking to me.
The physical pain was like nothing I would have expected.
The pain medications didn’t do much for the cramping.
A hot pad helped a little, but I couldn’t stand up the first day.
The second day, I woke up to my breasts enlarged 10 times what they normally were and I was in extreme pain.
This was something I did not know would happen.
I started lactating, and before milk would drip out, my nipples would feel like tiny needles were stabbing out of them.
The dreams I was having started to get very dark.
I would dream of standing with you on a beach
and a giant wave would come up and pull you into the break
you’d get pushed back out to me, and I’d try to grab you but the current would pull you back.
I started having thoughts I couldn’t control
of holding you, but watching you get torn apart in my arms.
My thoughts became sick.
They still are.
I told my parents I needed help, and they told me I would be fine.
I have no support.
Your father makes me feel comfortable, and safe.
He keeps me here right now.
He’s doing his best, but he is struggling to.
He doesn’t tell me he’s sad, I think because he doesn’t want to put anymore pain on me
but I can see it in his eyes.
We are broken, and struggling through this together.
Sometimes I think of coming to find you
because im so afraid you are lost.
I can’t leave your father here on his own
I have to stay for him.
My heart will be broken forever.
My thoughts aren’t rational anymore
And I just want to find you.
I will never know where you went
And i don’t expect you to ever forgive me or love me
I will never forgive or love myself for killing you
|Hello well I never imagined being pregnant, if you asked me a couple months ago I really didnt have an idea were my life would go. So basically I started dating a man whose already had two young children. With all honesty I never wanted to deal with men that had children for obvious reasons. But I let myself go through this experience keeping a positive mindset. Definitely wouldn’t do it again. But long story short I became pregnant initially I was sad. I never planned for my life to go this way. So much for my Cinderella story. I couldnt help but be sad because of all the babymama drama and his family drama regarding me. I wouldnt dare bring my child in a world where I believe his family would not except him. So instantly I wanted to abort. But I started second guessing myself since my partner was aboad with the ideal of abortion. It hurt because the man that supposedly loved me and wanted me so bad didnt want to keep something we made out of love well on my behalf at least. So I was felt with so much anger I decided to go through with it. It seemed as though my own mother encouraged me to do it as well because of this messy relationship. It hurts to know I will never get that chance to be a mother. Sometimes I hate when he touchs me, hearing my mom voice disgusts me. I hope Im strong enough to get through this. I know it was the right decision until Im able to find myself.|
Never in my wildest dreams did I envision myself there, in the women’s center, under those circumstances. I was told that my “pregnancy tissue” would be removed during a short procedure, and after a time of recovery, I would be on my way.
That one tragic day dramatically altered my life, sending me into a longstanding downward spiral.
Years, later, it took an unexpected encounter with a complete stranger to unearth and bring into the light the part of my life that I had tried so very hard to hide, bury, and forget.
I was an 18-year-old freshman in college when my boyfriend of two years and I suddenly found ourselves faced with an unplanned pregnancy. I did not know where to turn. My parents had just traumatically separated. Feeling shame and fearing rejection, I didn’t confide in any friends. My boyfriend and I had just started college and had no money to support a baby. In panic, we felt the only foreseeable option was abortion.
My abortion occurred on December 17, 1980. That day is forever etched in my mind. I remember being very fearful and anxious. The procedure was painful both physically and emotionally.
My immediate reaction after the procedure was one of relief. The procedure was over. My crisis had passed. I could continue school. No one would know.
However, feelings of guilt, shame, emptiness, and depression came soon after. These feelings were too much to bear, so I stuffed all my painful emotions into a box, tightly shut the lid, walked it down into the dark cellar of my heart, shoved it in a far corner, turned the latch on the door, and threw away the key.
The pressure of keeping the lid on the box was great. Sadly, for the next seven years I found myself immersed in the party scene, using alcohol to dull my pain. But praise God, in October of 1987, Jesus Christ saved my life! A few years after I received Jesus, He began to lead me by the hand to that locked cellar door.
He began to orchestrate experiences that would reveal to me my need for healing.
One such experience occurred while driving home from a Wednesday night Bible study. I drove past a stumbling figure walking in the darkness along the side of the road. I felt a strong urge to go back. It was a woman, noticeably drunk, who agreed she could use a ride home.
When we arrived at her home, she invited me in. For the next two hours, this woman sat in a crumpled heap, sobbing over the death of her 29-year-old son. She also confessed that she had an abortion earlier in life and wondered if her son’s death was God’s punishment for her abortion.
At that moment, the lid to my tightly closed box blew off as the reality of my abortion and the loss of my child became painfully real. The woman and I wept together bitterly.
I later shared my abortion history with my pastor, and his daughter subsequently referred me to an abortion recovery Bible study support group. Through this ministry, God mended my heart piece by piece. The women in my group became “Jesus in the flesh” to me. They loved me, cried tears with me, and offered God’s words of truth and hope.
One of the topics addressed in the final weeks of the Bible study was “Accepting the Loss and Letting Go.” The leaders suggested that we prayerfully name our children. Several days later, I was praying on my bed at night about a topic unrelated to my abortion. Suddenly, in my mind’s eye, I saw the image of a beautiful, blonde, curly-haired, blue-eyed boy running to me. With bright shining eyes he said, “Mommy, I love you.” Through tearful sobs, I told him I loved him too. As I held him, I asked, “Do you forgive me?” He said, “Of course I do, Mommy. I love you. I’ll see you in heaven.”
Immediately, the name “Stephen” dropped into my heart, along with immense comfort and peace. I asked God to confirm his name. Over the next few weeks, He did!
The first confirmation came when I was in a post office standing in line behind a woman holding her beautiful blue-eyed baby boy. I felt the nudging of God to ask the woman her baby’s name. She replied, “Stephen.”
Everyone had left the church except for myself and a woman nursing her baby. I felt the nudge of God to ask the mother for her baby’s name. She replied, “Stephen.”
The third confirmation came when I was sitting alone at a park. I was watching a father strolling hand in hand through sun-drenched grass with his young curly-haired son. As they turned to walk past me, I again felt God say, “Ask him his son’s name.” The man replied, “Stephen.”
I was amazed! God not only confirmed Steven’s name; He also confirmed time and time again that He really cared about me and was divinely orchestrating every moment of my healing!
It was at that moment, while holding hands in a circle around our newly planted tree, I realized that the box that had been hidden in the cellar of my heart for ten years was now standing open in the light of day. It was empty! My heart had been mended and given wings to fly!
Within a few short years, God brought another Steven into my life, who later became my husband. We are blessed with two amazing sons, who love God with all of their hearts. God, in His amazing grace, has completely healed and restored me.
I share this story to honor the life of my precious son, Stephen, whom I’ll see one day in heaven; in the hopes of powerfully discouraging others from ever making the tragic choice I made; and to give honor and glory to God who saved me, and brought me to wholeness.
To those hurting after abortion — you are not alone. God can bring hope and healing to your heart, so that you too will know, “If the Son sets you free, you are free indeed!” Sue
“I, myself, have received help, healing and hope after I had an abortion. My story starts with a family broken by divorce, then sexual abuse by a family member and later, by several adult men. My mother remarried a man who was a drug addict. I did not understand boundaries or healthy relationships and these things led to my promiscuity as a young teenager.
I was 15 years old when I got pregnant by my boyfriend. For a while, I thought we would get married and be a family and I secretly prayed for that, but didn’t really even know who God was. I did not know it at the time but he was an alcoholic. When his mother found out, she pressured me to get an abortion saying. ‘I was too young to be a mom’. He continued to drink and cheated on me. How could the person who was supposed to love me, hurt me so badly? My heart was reeling with lies whispered by the deceiver, so I made an appointment with an abortion clinic thinking it would “take care of my problem”. Once there, I should have ran out but instead I walked into the exam room where they inserted a cervical dilator and said to come back the next day. I was so distraught, what had I done? How did I get here?? I went home and told my mom that I was getting an abortion. My mother told me not to do it. I started crying and called my Obstetrician to ask about the cervical dilator? She told me that the odds were now extremely high that I would miscarry because of the dilator. Through my tears, I told my mom that I felt I had no choice but to do it. She told me to not come back home if I did, so I left. My boyfriend who was supposed to ‘be there for me’ went out and got drunk again, so a friend took me back. It all seemed like a bad dream, but unfortunately, it was all too real. At the clinic, it so was cold and austere—I started crying again. I really did not want to do it. I just wanted someone to tell me I would be okay and the baby would be okay. That I could handle this…my mom had done that, but again the lies were swirling around in my head. The nurse told me to put a gown on and to lay on the exam table. The two things I will never forget about the abortion:
1. The extremely sharp pains I felt as my baby was dismembered and his life taken from me —I cried and told them to stop but they wouldn’t.
2. The horrible sucking noise of the vacuum machine.
Eventually, I stumbled out to the waiting room. The staff quickly grabbed me and told me sternly to go to the back of the clinic to get picked up! I was dazed and in pain and left with an antibiotic in my hand and my heart broken. I was completely drained —emotionally and physically and later on I realized, spiritually, too. Because I was still in the dark, a friend later took me to Planned Parenthood for birth control pills. They gave me a year’s worth of pills (without disclosing the risks of the pill or how being abstinent could have really helped me). I drank alcohol and did drugs to numb myself out. I tried to tell myself that it was okay, but I knew deep down, it was not okay—I was not okay. Physically, I worried if I would ever be able to have children? Emotionally, I felt such guilt and regret. Spiritually, I felt so ashamed that I thought God would never forgive me.
At 19, I became pregnant again and although the father was an abusive alcoholic, I decided to raise the baby. I was determined to never have another abortion—not ever again. And while being a young single mother was not easy, I knew I had made the right decision this time—one I would never regret!
My journey to healing began about 20 years ago. I had met a young man and we fell in love. I prayed to God that this man would become my husband. God answered that prayer! My future husband and I started going to church, where he accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, got baptized and then we got married in the church! He is a great dad to my baby girl (whose now an adult and married with a child of her own)! We have been blessed with two additional beautiful children! As our faith journey has progressed, I have received healing and hope through Bible study, prayer and attending an abortion recovery retreat. I was able to honor the memory of my son and receive true forgiveness and healing from the Lord! My favorite verse is Philippians 4:13Open in Logos Bible Software (if available), “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” If abortion is in your past, the same love and forgiveness found in Jesus Christ is available to you! Don’t wait another minute believing the lies! H3Helpline is ready and able to help you with.”
“I had an abortion when I was 16 years old. It was the only choice given to me at the time. Afterwards, I shoved it down and locked it away. It wasn’t until after I attended the Rachel’s Vineyard retreat that I realized how much healing I needed. I’m so glad I went! It changed my life forever! After my retreat I felt called to this ministry. I trained for and began leading Rachel’s Vineyard Retreats in Texas. Shortly after that, I moved to Germany and started a Rachel’s Vineyard Site for the military and English-speaking people. There are plans to extend the retreats into military communities in Korea and possibly Japan as well. It’s amazing what God can do with a broken, messed-up life if we only surrender it to Him.”
“I was in college and became pregnant. My boyfriend didn’t want to have the baby and I didn’t want the shame of being pregnant and not married. I kept my secret for over 18 years. Finally while in a church service , I surrendered my secret to God. The healing journey began. I went to an abortion recovery program that helped in my healing tremendously. I’m glad I told my secret”
I went to the retreat this past weekend, and oh my Lord. It was an amazing experience, but that isn’t what I wanted to thank you for. The night I called the abortion recovery helpline was the darkest place I’d been since my abortion. I wasn’t going to kill myself, but I certainly was the closest I have ever been to actually thinking about it, if that makes sense. I just didn’t think that anyone could possibly understand the torment and pain I had caused myself and that people would ridicule me when I said I was hurting so badly. You opened my eyes and my heart to Jesus again, someone I had long since abandoned because I thought he wouldn’t love a murderer. You showed me light and love when I needed it the most, and the words in this email will never, ever begin to truly thank you for saving my life .
I thought Planned Parenthood had the right plan, but they did not give me the full story. I had always heard the “blob of tissue” argument, but before I was scheduled I reached out to H3Helpline and was directed to a clinic that showed me the truth about the baby that was growing inside of me. Thank you H3Helpline my daughter is now six months old and absolutely adorable!
My girlfriend got pregnant and had an abortion against my will. I mean I understand it is her body and all, but the child was a part of me too. Thanks to H3Helpline I found an abortion recovery helpline and called. I needed to deal with my anger and depression.
“This retreat for me was surprisingly needed. I came to support my wife and left feeling blessed and delivered. I found out that God wanted me to heal from the same trauma that my wife experienced. Before Rachel’s Vineyard, we only discussed this issue briefly. While at the retreat I learned she had lost two children to abortions and so did I. We were able to deal with everything together. God is Powerful!”
I was 19 years old when I found out I was pregnant on December 30, 2019. I only took a pregnancy test when I didn’t come on my period like I was supposed to on December 25, 2019. I told my child’s father and we went from there. He said it wasn’t the right time and of course I agreed we were only together at that time for 6 months but I kind of always wanted kids And he already had 2 kids prior to meeting me. A part of me knew I myself always wanted to have babies, A part of me knew it wasn’t the right time. Then my sister brought up the brought up the thought that I could have more kids later because I’m still young, my boyfriend agreed we could. I accepted that but was not happy so, i had about 2 appointments made prior to the actual date I went on. So on February 26, 2020 was the day I went to proceed with the surgery for the Abortion, I was really anxious. It was crowded with women and I was scared. I made the mistake of hearing my babies heart beat, it was so strong .. I miss my baby so much. I was 12 weeks and 3 days pregnant when I aborted. I regret it so so much, my baby is supposed to be almost 3 months, my due date was September 11, 2020. I feel so much sorrow, regret, anger, and overall awful that I let someone else decision overcrowd my own judgement over my own creation. I should’ve went with my first mind, that this is my baby and I made it and I was going to keep it but I didnt. I never wanted to do it because I was so scared that what IF I won’t be able to get pregnant again, what IF I have complications with the removal, what IF .. just a lot of what IFs were on my mind and continues to be on my mind. I think about it daily because I want a baby really bad, my child’s father wants one also. I knew it kind of hit him that our baby would’ve been 3 months because he asked out of the blue and I know he was hurt about our baby but didn’t tell me until I went to go see him after the Abortion occurred that same day. I know he misses and wonders what would’ve been his 3rd baby, a boy or girl.. me too. Nothing will replace my first baby, I’ll never forget about my baby.. I still have my ultrasound picture in my wallet and carry it because that’s my heart in my wallet. That’s how emotional and hard it is for me. I just want to heal so I can pray that I get pregnant again soon.